Thursday, February 28, 2008

Get a clue.

I'm sure that some geek somewhere has had a dream about Ward Cunningham offering him/her a tray of cookies. Well, folks, I have now lived that dream. That's right, yesterday I was at the Portland lunch 2.0 event hosted by AboutUs in their beautiful, spacious (and color coordinated) suite. The food was fabulous, the conversation both geeky and enlightening (You can freeze menstrual blood? Whaaaat?).

Even with a crowd of 50+, I was one of the very few women in the room. I am seriously considering starting a dating service for women looking for geeky men. I think I'll call it, GAVL (Geeks Are Very Loyal).

I spent some time talking to the usual suspects, but then was given the full tour by Mark Dilley. Two minutes later, we were done. I also chatted with Jeff Martens and his co-conspirator, handsomemaninstripedshirt (sorry, didn't catch the name) of The Portlander and Goboz and possibly made a faux pas regarding their tag line. C'mon, what do you think when you hear, "Turn Your City On"?

Tak Kendrick then proved to me how easy it is to add your business to AboutUs. (Yes, watching him do it was easy.) I was planning on adding Treasurelicious anyway, Tak just got me started. (Thank you Tak.)

Heading back to the car, the sun was shining and the trains were rolling. I got to the car and found a note.

"Oh", I said to myself, "someone left me a love note."

What? What? Oh, actually I did not see those signs. I guess I was blinded by all the Thriller 25 posters plastered all over the building.

I looked around for someone to apologize to. Then I realized that the note was a photocopy, rather than an original. I was not the first to make this mistake and surely not the last.

But thank you invisible note man for not towing my car. I appreciate it and will not park there again. Would you like a cookie? I was going to put it on ebay, but you can have it.

Don't lick your magazines.

I'm just saying.

Paper cuts are no laughing matter.

(Here's the recipe)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Choose your furniture wisely.

The other day, as I was walking by the TV room, I didn't even see Martin sitting on the couch, he had sunk in so deeply. After we pried him out of the couch (rope+car=very helpful) we sat down (somewhere else) and decided to get some new furniture.

"How do we figure out where to get new furniture?" I asked.
"Consumer reports! We should look in Consumer Reports!"

"I'm pretty sure they don't do reviews on furniture." he said.

[Long pause]

"Well they should!" I said.

"Right." he said.

"We could always just stop at every furniture store in town, compare prices and styles and then do research on all the fabrics and frames. Then we could poll people that were in the store, and after 3 months of collecting data we could make a preliminary choice." he suggested.

"Or", I said, "Or, we could just do what we did last time."

"Last time?" he asked.

"Yes, back in 1999. We went to Jordan's Furniture, in Massachusetts. And do you remember why we went there?" I asked.

"Because it was your idea?" he said.

"Well, yeah, but why?" I said. "Don't you remember what they have at Jordan's Furniture?"

"Chocolate chip cookies and popcorn!!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, right! And that furniture has held up very well.
Forget fabric strength or frame construction. Let's judge furniture on the kind of snacks that are available at the store!" I said.

Swedish meatballs and Almondy cake here we come!

(IKEA people, I am talking about going to IKEA.)

Monday, February 25, 2008

Be gentle when ending a relationship.

I'm sorry if I'm not my usual springy self today. You see, I recently ended a four year long relationship, and I'm still a bit stunned. Yes, that's right. I broke up with Planned Parenthood.

Being my A.R. self, I researched the best way to end a relationship. I did my best to stay on task, but things did get a little out of hand:

Step 1: Meet in a public place.

We met at a nearby Mexican Restaurant. (Not my favorite Mexican Restaurant, my favorite one was just a 2 minute walk away, but fine.) What good is a relationship if you can't make some compromises?

Step 2: Don't act so nervous about it, it makes them think you're making a mistake and they can tell in your voice what your about to do. Just keep cool.

After I stopped tapping my spoon on the table, I said, "Planned Parenthood, I know that after more than 40 years of operation, you are the largest single provider of family planning health services in the state of Oregon, serving over 56,000 patients in 2005-2006. And I know that your goal is to expand access to sexual and reproductive health care in Oregon and Southwest Washington by promoting a wide range of services to populations of diverse age, gender, ethnicity, geographic location, and income level.
And I have loved volunteering for you for the past four years, but it is time that we parted ways."

PP was visibly stunned. "I'm confused." PP said. "You have been one of our top volunteers. You've met with Washington State legislators on four occasions, you spoke about Planned Parenthood at various events, was taped for a segment on our community access television, wrote (and had published) numerous letters to the local paper and national magazines. I just don't understand."

Step 3: Don't laugh when you're breaking up with them, it's just not cool, and it makes them think you're happy to break up with them. Just like I said...keep cool, but don't take it overboard, remember you are breaking someone's heart.

I laughed. Then I said, "I know it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, I just don't feel the spark that I used to."

Step 4: Stay calm even when they begin to get hysterical.

"Are you cheating on me?"said PP "Is it Hillary? No, it's Barack isn't it! God, please don't say it is John McCain, he really isn't liberal at all. In fact, he has some anger issues that seriously disturb me."

"No, PP." I said. "I'm not cheating on you. In fact, I'm feeling a bit numb when it comes to politics lately. It's just that I need more time to myself."

Step 5: Give them your full attention. Do not lie.

"Well, that makes me...HEY! are you even paying any attention to me, missburrows? You are constructing a blog post in your head right now, aren't you!"

"No" I lied.

Things quieted down a bit and I was able to move on.

Step 6: Give back personal items.

"Here," I said to PP. "These are yours."

"I'm afraid I can't give you back all the things you have given me: confidence, knowledge, friends, empowerment and all the positive feedback from other PP supporters (but I want to keep that anyway.)"

Step 7: Try to remain friends.

"I'm sad to say goodbye," said PP, "Can we stay in touch?"

"Yes of course," I said. "But it would really help if you stopped sending me daily emails asking for money."

Thursday, February 21, 2008

If you are going to lift up your shirt all day, don't bother tucking it in.

Yes, that's right. I will probably be pulling up my shirt all day in front of strangers. Why? Well, to show them this.

(By the way, I did not get run over by a tiny tractor. Those marks are from the elastic in my jammies.)

That's right. It's time again for the Portland Diabetes Expo and I lurv my insulin pump company so much that I will spend the whole day stumping for them at their booth.

And the lovely Audrey, who I saw at last night's Metroblogging Portland meetup, creator of a cool listing of food carts in Portland, told me that about a great site that lists places to eat near the convention center. So no peanut butter & jelly sandwich with apple slices for me! I'm going to Tiny's!

People that are considering getting an insulin pump really want to touch and to see what it is actually like. The last time I was at the event, I ended up pulling up my shirt all day long. So this time, I am smarter. I will put my site in a better place and I will not tuck in my shirt.

Wondering how large my insulin pump is? Here are some photos for a comparison:

My pump is smaller than this Annie Lennox CD:

My pump is smaller than this Splenda dispenser:

So, if you are at the Expo, please make sure to come to the Animas booth and come say Hello.

I will be the one lifting my shirt up.

(CD and Splenda dispenser lovingly donated by Holly.)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Make Some Flash Cards.

Last week, I was invited to a blogger meetup here in Vancouver. Emma, Avery, Lovey and Dapoppins were scheduled to appear.

In preparation for the big event, I did some homework. I don't know about you, but when I need to remember important stuff, I make flashcards. It worked in 3rd grade when I needed to learn all the states and capitals so why not try it now?

I think my flashcards are nice. Charming even.

Lovey thought it was a bit odd and looked at me strangely as she slowly backed away from me and began telling me about her skills with FiestaWare Judo.

So I did not take them out of my bag. But I saved them. I knew that *you* would want to see them.

I did however, whip Lovey's butt at Wii. My arm hurts for two days after. In addition, Dapoppins has a lovely butt, no matter what she may say on her blog.

Tonight, I meet Cami and Mr. Kaos at a MetroBlogging Portland meetup. I haven't created a flashcard for her, but I have prepared by doing sit-ups all day and I took a kick boxing class last night. Note to self: google "how to get bailed out of jail" before heading in to Portland, I think it may be a wild night.

Update: I have been notified that the Kaos Family is sick. So, there will be no meeting of the Kaos clan, no proxy hugs from English bloggers. Just me and total strangers. It is probably better. I just heard on the news that there is going to be a lunar eclipse tonight, who knows what kind of mischief we would have gotten in to.

Monday, February 18, 2008

If you are going to decorate with religious artifacts, do it in a tasteful way.

Sure, we've all seen the occasional crucifix in someone's living room.

And mezuzah are awesome. I've even considered getting myself some, even though I'm not Jewish.

But, this is a bit too much.

Really, a crown of thorns? That has just gone to far.

I'm not even going to show you the matching bloody nails/candleholders.

(Yes, yes...I realize that I am going to burn in hell for this post. But it's a dry heat, right?)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Come clean.

Ok, I have some confessions to make...

Here goes:

1) I have never see the movie Titanic.
I've see many of the documentaries, even the IMAX version, but not the one with Leo and Kate.

2) I do not own an iPod.
My niece did let me look at hers. For 2 whole minutes. Then I had to give it back.
Update: Look what Amazon just sent me! ======>

3) I still use my walkman and listen to *gasp* tapes.
I only have three2 tapes: Dave Matthews, Cheap Trick and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

4) I don't own a cell phone.
We had one, but we got rid of it.

5) I haven't read any of the Harry Potter books.
There are 2 now right? 7? Yikes.

Ah, I feel much better. Thank you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Diamonds don't automatically equal sex.

Valentine's Day is just days away and both the radio, TV and internet are filled with ads that are trying to convince you that diamonds=sex. With memorable quotes like, "She gets what she wants, you get what you want." the message is quite clear.

Feel free to fall in to this trap, diamonds are pretty and sparkily, but if you believe that you need to buy someone diamonds in order to have sex, you will be poor or lonely real fast.

On this Valentine's Day, I suggest things that are easier and pretty much a sure thing:

1. Do the dishes. Without being asked. Do them right. Do not break any dishes.

2. Cook dinner. Or, bring in some take-out. Either way, your sweetheart should not be near the stove, oven or microwave.

3. Rub something. Be it a foot, (or both) a back, a knee, or even a hand. Rub until the person visibly relaxes.

4. Leave them alone. Take the kids, the dog, the cat, what-have you and let your love be alone to think and relax.

5. Pancakes and chocolate. In bed.

Happy Valentine's Day! You are welcome.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Any kitchen is a good kitchen.

A while ago my friend holly was posting lots of pictures of her kitchen on her blog. I think she was trying to blackmail her husband in to doing the dishes, but either way, she was a brave soul.

The writing on the inside of the Dove chocolate that I just ate, says
"If they can do it, you know you can."

Ok, (deep breath) so here I go. I'm gonna show the world my kitchen. Please be kind, although we have lived in this house for 4 years now, we really haven't had the time or money to fix up the kitchen.

We'd really love to repaint, maybe even upgrade the oven. Thank god my husband had cleaned it up right before I took the picture. Ok, here goes....

What? Why are you laughing? You are so *sniff* mean.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Tell The Whole Story

Sybil Law, Holly, and CrankMama have been hounding me to tell them the story of the hissyfitlady that was at Ignite Portland. If you remember, we had 750+ show up to try and get in to the Bagdad Theater, which can only hold 750. What I forgot to mention, was that within that 750+ we had 3 babies in slings, 2 children under the age of 6, a handful of tweens and one guide dog. In all that, only one person made a scene. I've been searching through all the photos of Ignite Portland, and actually found one of hissyfitlady. So, here she is:

(It's the old lady, not the young one.)

Hissyfitlady had been sitting in the restaurant adjoining the Bagdad, typing away at her laptop while we set up for the crowd. There were 6 laptops set up for registration, and they were lining the back wall.

It was cold and rainy outside and the line to get in went back two blocks. As we were about to open the doors, hissyfitlady sauntered in from the restaurant. Two lovely, smart, volunteers immediately tried to stop her, explaining that she could not enter from that way. Hissyfitlady then whined, "But, I've been sitting in there for two hours!" (While everyone else stood in the cold....) they tried to explain that she would have to go out and get in line.

She sat down next to all the laptops and opened hers. The volunteers then told her that she could not sit there because she would restrict the flow of traffic. She harumphed, "I'm doing personal work!

I'm not sure what happened next, but hissyfitlady agreed to register and then she stomped off towards the seats.

So now you are probably saying to yourself, but missburrows, hadn't you also entertained the thought of sitting in the warm restaurant and then walking in to Ignite Portland when the doors opened?

And I say, "You shush. I volunteered. That is totally different."

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Make connections

Last night, I attended the second annual Ignite Portland . I got to the Bagdad super early so I had a quick dinner in the adjoining restaurant. Although Hawthorne Blvd. is lined with awesome stores, only The Gold Door was able to whisk me inside for a few minutes. After all, I can shop anytime. Ignite Portland was starting tonight and 600 people had RSVP'd.

I ended up volunteering, got an official "STAFF" badge and everything. I basically met with sponsors and collected their swag: t-shirts, messenger bags, chap stick, etc. I was also in charge of tying up t-shirts (including ones from Jive Software) for the Todd Kenefsky t-shirt "cannon".

600 people had RSVP'd and we had to turn people away after 750 had entered (due to fire code laws). In case you are wondering, Paul Bingham was the first one in the door.

In all this, only one person, out of 750+, had a bit of a hissy fit. Only one! That is Portland for you.

One of the reasons I had gone to Ignite Portland was to network. I wanted to talk to people about Treasurelicious. Frankly, after making swag bags, smiling, answering questions and such I was just too tired to network.

So, here is what I would have said:

ME: You know how we all have stuff that we really love?

YOU: Oh yeah, certainly!

ME: And you know how fun it is to show your friends? Maybe even include it in your blog or on your website?

YOU: Oh yeah. Hey, I have a blog! Tell me more!

ME: Well, Treasurelicious lets you list your treasures, include a photo and a description. You can take the widget code and post your list on your website or blog.

YOU: Hey, that sounds like fun! It sounds simple but brilliant! I'm gonna go sign up now! And then I am gonna blog about it! Thanks so much!

For an example, see my Treasurelicious list in the sidebar. ============================>

Sunday, February 3, 2008

There is nothing wrong with the word vibrator

What is the problem people? Why won't anyone on network television say the word vibrator?

Donald Trump was recently on the Rachael Ray show. They were playing a game where he had to guess what a bunch of strange objects were.

When he got to this one:

they both erupted in giggles. They kept saying, "You know what it reminds me of 'those..." But they just weren't adult enough to say the word vibrator.

On Judge Mathis (what do you want, I was eating lunch) he keep harassing a defendant about a certain spa party she went to. He would not leave her alone. He kept saying, "Was it one of those parties?" But he would not say the word vibrator.

And finally, the promo they have been playing for The New Adventures of Old Christine has Julia Louis-Dreyfus saying, "Guess who I'm going home with?"

Her ex-husband says, "That thing in your underwear drawer?"
Her brother says, "That thing in your nightstand?" But no one will say vibrator.

So I will. VIBRATOR.

You know what, I'm gonna start answering the phone that way.

Yeah, the next time the phone rings, I'm going to say, "Vibrator!"

That ought to get me on the Do Not Call List pretty fast.

Update: I just remembered that when we were younger, my brother and I would call each other, dildo and douchebag. And not in a loving way. My mom put a stop to it the day she explained what each thing meant.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Politeness Can Take You All The Way To The White House

I received my State of Washington Voters' Pamphlet today.

As I was reading through the blurbs for the various candidates, I noticed an interesting trend, the Democratic candidates are much more polite.
(Yes, I realize that many of the candidates have dropped out by this time, but I wanted to use a fair sample.)

Out of the 8 Democratic Presidential candidates, 3 actually say, Thank you.
Out of the 8 Republican Presidential candidates, 0 say, Thank you.

In addition,

Out of the 8 Democratic Presidential candidates, 2 wrote a salutation and their name.
Out of the 8 Republican Presidential candidates, 0 wrote a salutation and their name.

Out of all 16 Presidential candidates, only one says, Thank You and wrote a salutation and their name.

Can you guess who that is?

Thank you, dear readers for reading this post, even though it isn't funny at all.



UPDATE: If you guessed Barack Obama, you are correct.