Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Do what ever it takes to get to the top.

First off, thank you CamiKaos for the rocking header! (Your daughter can throw up on me all day long as long as I get cool stuff like this!)

Secondly, I'm on top, babies. Well, I'm on Alltop. It is a "digital magazine rack" created in part by Guy Kawasaki. I could go on and on about how wonderful he is but I'd rather just gaze at his eyes for a bit.

Join me, won't you?



(He's so cute when he giggles.)


Now you are probably asking yourselves, "Missburrows, how did you get included on Alltop?"

Good question.

I stood outside his home and turned on my favorite sex toys one by one, while reading their official names, what kind of power they required, special quirks, etcetera.

I'm kidding.

I actually FedExed them to him.

I'm kidding.

It was UPS.


With this honor comes a badge. The badges that Alltop provides are pretty good.



The badges that The Bloggess made are even better.



But, I felt the need to put the Missburrows spin on mine. The others just weren't enough.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Be careful where you sit.

The other day I was on the MAX riding in to Portland when there was a bit of an incident. It's kind of complicated, so I drew you a diagram:



The red heart is me. "A" is scruffyladytalkingonthecellphone and "B" is scruffydudetalkingtoscruffyladytalkingonthecellphone. Got that?

Ok, so "A" sat down next to me, while "B" stood to the left of her. "A" chided "B" for not sitting down in the empty seat in front of me. Eventually "B" sat down and replied, "I didn't want to. Because now we've gone ahead and locked the nice lady in."

Can you see the problem?

Here take another look at the diagram:



The problem?

They assumed that I was nice.

Stuck? Try a 12 step program.

I'm not sure how it happened. I was in the grocery store just minding my own business, when this shady looking character came up to me:




He silently handed me this:




Thinking nothing of it, I put it my cart, went about the rest of my shopping, paid and headed home. The real problem began when I opened the box. Now I can't stop eating these damn things.

High fructose corn syrup? Bhah! Pretzel on one side! Cracker on the other! It's brilliant! Brilliant I tell you!

So I have joined a 12 step program.

The only problem with the program is that the snack cabinet is exactly 12 steps away.

"Missburrows," you say, "you are silly. Just put them 13 or even 14 steps away."

But frankly, I've stopped listening because I am doing this:




(My loyal blog readers will realize that there wasn't an actual elf at the store. If there was, I would have been out of there faster than you can say, well, elf.)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Be nice to nature: Part 2


One fine spring day, I was sitting at my computer, writing something witty and charming when I heard a Splat!!! against the window. I looked outside and saw a little brown sparrow that had apparently hit the window and rolled in to the gutter. His little body was being cradled by the leaves that I had not yet cleared from the gutter and he looked like a goner. (Little black Xs for eyes and everything.) I spent some time pondering which trash bin he would need to go in...yard waste? regular trash? when all of a sudden he sat upright and blinked open his eyes.

I let out a little yelp of excitement, which caused my husband to run in to the room. "Birdie!" I said to my husband. (I had named the bird.) "Birdie is alive!!" My husband came to the window to see what his crazy wife was talking about.

I continued to check in on Birdie for the next four hours or so and fantasized about nursing him back to health. It was, after all, our house that had caused the injury. I had grand plans about putting Birdie in a box and covering it with an old milk crate while he recovered. I talked to him through the window, and told him my email address over and over...just in case.

Right before the sun set, Birdie stretched out his wings and flew away.

I get emails from him all the time, apparently he works at a Canadian Pharmacy and can get me a great deal on prescriptions!

He says they are really CHEEP!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Be nice to nature: Part 1

Since tomorrow is Earth Day (isn't every day really earth day?) I will be doing a series of nature inspired blog posts this week.

(PUT YOUR FORK AWAY, MICHAEL!)


While I don't live in what you would call "the city" the only bunnies we usually see are this kind:


(His name is Mr. Peeps. No Joleine, not the Mr. Peeps you are thinking of.)


or this kind:


(These cards are from one of our favorite games: Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot. Yes, CamiKaos, I am taunting you.)

So we were quite surprised to look out the window and see this:




They nibbled on some of our weeds for awhile and then they wiggled under the fence a la Peter Rabbit. We realized later that they probably showed up because their bunny house (yes, I know, it's called a burrow) was probably demolished by the construction going on next door.

I just hope that if we see them again, it won't be because of this:



Friday, April 18, 2008

Investigate that strange noise

For the last few mornings I have been getting up and heading out to the Innotech Conference in Portland, Oregon. Although I noticed a rumbling sound each morning when I woke up, I did not think too much about it and carried on with my day.

Today, finally, I investigated the noise:





Yes, that is an excavator and there are even more loud construction machines next door.

I'm not sure which is more pathetic, the fact that it took me three days to figure out what the noise was or the fact that I had to look up what the name of the construction vehicle was.

(I would not of had that problem if I had a three year old in the house.)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

As long as you say it correctly, you can call me whatever you want.


(Pretty? Yes. Me? No.)


My friend Joleine (ha, I'm going to call you that and there is nothing you can do about it!!) recently wrote a blog post about the trend of heterosexual women not changing their last names when they get married.

I commented (very smartly too, if I do say so myself) on it, but find myself still thinking about her question.

When I was younger, I certainly thought I would take my future husband's name. I even practiced:

Lia Le Bon

Lia Vedder

Lia Keidis

Lia Matthews

and of course...

Lia Craig

But alas, when I actually got married, I didn't change it. Why not? Well, I had a perfectly good name already. Sometimes I use his last name and sometimes he uses mine. Everyone considers us a unit anyway.

And yes, that is my real first name. (I figured it was about time to use it.)

No, it is not short for anything. Yes it is spelled correctly.

Be warned, if you call me Princess Leia, I will hurt you. And not in a good way.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Cut your banana with a spoon


We all like banana in our cereal (yes we do, you shush!) and I used to use a knife to cut the banana and a spoon to eat the cereal with. Until one day, bing! I realized that you could cut the banana with the spoon. One less utensil to wash!

They are saying that one little change in your daily habits can really make a difference. For the earth, for our children, for the world! And this change ought to save the world 3 bazillion gallons of water! Gosh, it just feels so good to help the environment.

Ok, I'm off to water the sidewalk.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Don't give sex a bad name.

I had a fantastic reaction to my post about vibrators, so now I will move on to the next step: proper lubrication.

Yes folks, I'm talking about sex. If you are going to have sex (or play around with sex toys) you really want to make sure that things are:


(Slippery When Wet)

rather than:

(Dry Country)

One of the main reasons for condom breakage and sexual discomfort is lack of lubrication. And if you experience condom breakage you may be:


(Living On A Prayer)

And for those of you in the Pacific Northwest that love to spend your cash at local businesses, the company that makes Slippery Stuff, is based in Puyallup, Washington.

Now stop reading and go have fun!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Some exposure can be good.

I hate it when other people go on and on about how sick they have been. So, I'm not even going to mention the fact that I've had a really bad cold for about a week now. (Damnit!)


Anyway, when I went to take a nap on Sunday afternoon. Our house looked like this:



when I woke up from my nap a few hours later, it looked like this:


I am actually really grateful my husband went ahead and took the fence down. We've been talking about doing it for 3 years now.

However, my first thought upon seeing it was, Hey, all we need is a red light and some half naked women dancing in the window. That would really class up the place.

But that is just crazy.

Half naked men would be much better.

Speaking of exposure, I'm sure that by now you know that the best place to Expose Your Treasures is Treasurelicious.com. But we can't be on the internet all the time. So, the first 10 blog readers to email me at my gmail account, will get 2 Treasurelicious stickers to do with as they wish. Stick them on your car, your guitar case, whatever you wish. Enjoy.



Please excuse me, I have strippers to call.

Monday, April 7, 2008

It's ok to try and extend your 15 minutes of fame

Up until now, I'd say I've had about 30 minutes of fame (which will be covered at some later point). But, as you may or may not know, I have been featured on various blogs on various ways. I thought you would appreciate it if I posted them all here, in one convenient package for your enjoyment.


Part 1: Part of my birthday celebration. Safe for work, safe for kids' ears, short but a little nauseating.



(Thanks again, Lovey Avery and Dapoppins. I'm still having flashbacks of this day.)


Part 2: NOT SAFE FOR WORK, NOT SAFE FOR KIDS' EARS, LONG (1 hr. 20 minutes) but funny.

Please read Cami's "warnings" also.

Our podcast.


So listen, enjoy...I will work on beating this cold in to submission.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

You too can be femimystical

Suprise! Now normally I don't do two posts in a row but the lovely lilacspecs is encouraging people to be proudly proclaiming!

I have been racking my brain all day for an idea of something to post about and granted I have also been enamored by my new EeePC (it's so tiny! it's so cute!).

So I thought I would share with you some of my favorite moments in feminism.


Moment #1:

Age 14-Angered at the fact that my father thought (or seemed to believe) that only my older brother was capable of mowing the lawn, I took it upon myself to mow the lawn.

I was soon anointed the official lawn mower of the household. (Damn it!)

Moment #2:

Age 16- After watching me pitch a ball, my brain-dead gym teacher said to me

"Sheeesh. You throw like a girl!"

My memory is a little fuzzy, but I believe I said, "What the hell did you expect me to throw like? I am in fact a girl, idiot-boy!"

Moment #3:

Oh, I can't tell you moment #3, but you can hear about it on CamiKaos' next podcast. We will cover it. (But she doesn't know it yet!)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Don't eat free samples


Costco has them, the supermarket has them, even the food court has them. Free food samples for you to taste and enjoy.

I refuse to eat them.


Yes, the food is free, yes it sometimes smells really good. But I won't eat it. Since I am a polite woman, I always say, "No thank you." but I often get dirty looks from the sample offerers.

That's fine. You fulfill your mission: to hand out free food samples, and I will do mine: to dodge you.

Now normally, this would be the part of the blog post where I would tell you what horrible incident happened that turned me off to eating free samples. What life changing, hospital involving, expensive and exhausting event keeps me from eating.

But, there is none.

Because I refuse to eat free food samples.