Thursday, August 7, 2008

There will always be a bigger penis

My husband is on vacation this week, so somehow, I was tricked in to seeing three recently released movies based on comic books:

The Dark Knight
Iron Man
The Incredible Hulk

*There will be plot spoilers in this blog post. Consider yourself warned.*

We saw The Dark Knight on Monday night at a regular style multiplex but saw Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk as a double feature (only $4!) at the Kiggins Theater in town. As I sat there sitting through the last 1/2 of The Hulk, I realized that the movies all had similar themes:

The female characters have very distinct roles:
They all have long hair, usually wear dresses or skirts and are either being carried (Liv Tyler) or are carrying stuff (Gwyneth Paltrow).




They often look scared, often scream and are all good at soothing their particular savage beast. The bravest one by far was Maggie Gyllenhaal, who stood up to the Joker. But they killed her off soon after.



If you think I was disappointed by the chauvinistic portrayal of the female characters, ding! ding! you are correct.

It's all about the size of their penis:

Yes, that's right. I realized you could sum up all the plot lines this way: they fight because they think the other dude has a bigger penis.

The Dark Knight
Batman:
My parents were killed when I was young, and I worry I have a small penis. That's why my codpiece is enormous!

The Joker
:
I'm not even sure where my penis is, but I sure am glad my Dad didn't want to make it smile!

and then they fight


IronMan

Iron Man: I have to have sex with lots of women to prove that my penis is big. I will build a suit out of gold so that every part of my body will look bigger.

Iron Man Enemy dude
: How dare you make yourself look bigger. I will make my suit/robot thing EVEN LARGER so that I will look like I have the bigger penis.

and then they fight


The Hulk

Hulk: I didn't choose this, but look, my penis does get pretty big. And green. Yippee.

The Abomination
: How dare you look all big and veiny. I will take medicine so that I look even bigger and veinier because I am getting older and am sad that my stamina isn't what it used to be.

and then they fight


But the funniest part of the evening came when I got back from the snack bar. Martin had made best friends with a guy that had been sitting next to us. This sweet old gentleman used to work for the people with the worst penis envy of all: The Presidential branch of The United States Government.
He used to fly Air Force One.

Update: Apparently, my attempt at telling men that their penises are fine the way they are was not clear enough. So I will try again:

STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR PENIS. IT IS LOVELY AND DOES NOT DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON.
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