Thursday, January 15, 2009

Improve Your View

All the ladies do it (or at least they should be!) Once a year, or maybe every two years, we sit naked (except for that lovely paper gown) on an examination table in anticipation of getting a Pap & Pelvic exam. For those of you not familiar with a Pap & Pelvic exam, here are a few hi-lights:

"The Pap test (sometimes called a Pap smear) is a way to examine cells collected from the cervix (the lower, narrow end of the uterus). The main purpose of the Pap test is to detect cancer or abnormal cells that may lead to cancer. It can also find noncancerous conditions, such as infection and inflammation.

In a pelvic exam, the uterus, vagina, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder, and rectum are felt to find any abnormality in their shape or size. During a pelvic exam, an instrument called a speculum is used to widen the vagina so that the upper portion of the vagina and the cervix can be seen."

(From Cancer.gov)

Not my idea of fun. But certainly necessary. So, lately I've been thinking of ways to improve the exam. And I have a few stellar ideas:

1. Silk or bamboo robes, cushy slippers, scented candles, soft music. Make it more spa and less Ahhh!

2. Install a flat screen on the ceiling with rotating pictures of hot actors/actresses/handbags/shoes. (This will be a big improvement over the Hang in There posters normally tacked on the ceiling.)

3. Have special socks that the patient can write on to remind her why she is there, "I like sex" and "I love my ovaries" are some phrases that come to mind.

I don't see these improvements happening anytime soon, so I will just have to bring an old copy of Playgirl, GQ, or the latest Crate & Barrel catalog until they do.

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